How Anxiety Affects My Relationship

Gian has been so great in supporting me and being my rock for the past 5 years. He works his best to try to understand me and make sure that I feel loved and secure every single day. It’s just very little things that affects him every day, but he handles them well.

Some examples would be making him check out in a grocery store because thinking about the idea of talking to somebody makes my heart race. It calls for some tight hugs and comforts when it gets to the point of a breakdown and assuring me that it’s okay. He reminds me that he loves me every single day and that one sentence can give me so much comfort. When he has to work at night, he lays with me until I fall asleep because knows that I start to get anxious. If I ask him if he wants to go somewhere, he knows that I’m silently begging him to come with me because I don’t want to go alone.

And sometimes my anxiety gives me dark thoughts. I start to imagine him wanting to leave me because it’s too much to handle. Maybe he’s said “I love you” one too many times that it’s become an annoyance instead of a reassurance and truth.  Maybe I asked him to stay with me too many times when he really had to go.

But the love of my life is still here, after 5 years. He’s still here. And in less than a year he’ll be my husband, and I know he’ll be here for me forever.

Deciding To Go On a Diet…

I have never had to actually do any dieting even when I had Alianna and Gianni because I was lucky enough to lose all of my pregnancy weight very quickly and naturally. But now that I am getting married, I found my wedding dress in February and ordered a size 6 because it fit perfectly. Now after 4 months, I had to try on my wedding dress and realized it barely fit me.

I decided that I had to change something. I had two options.

Option 1: Go on a diet and exercise and try to be able to fit into my original dress I ordered.

Option 2: Exchange my dress for the same dress in a size 8, lose weight because I’m unhappy with my body now, and hope that the dress is not too big when it comes in (or possibly still too small).

I decided to try Option 1 to start and see if I make any progress over the next month.

Gian and I have been trying to go for walks whenever we are able to. We like to walk to the lake and it gives us some time alone to talk without any distractions. We talk about goals, stresses, wedding, and the babies.

Our new lease will be beginning in the middle of July and we’ll have access to a gym where I can get some more work outs done and truly focus on different parts of my body.

While exercising is a good start on trying to be healthy, I’ve also been trying to eat healthy. I love fast food so much that this will truly be the hardest part for me. I cut out Starbucks from my daily coffee (500+ calories), stray away from fast food unless absolutely given no other options, and keep my calories at about 1800 a day.

I’ve had to cut out soda, drink more water, and have been trying to eat oatmeal for breakfast every day and some fruit during lunch. It will definitely be an interesting journey since I will have to lose about 20 pounds to become successful with my goal.

If you have any advice about dieting or exercise, let me know!

Finding the Right Childcare

It can be really difficult trying to find the right daycare/nanny to take care of your children. There are so many scary news stories out there about children being injured or mistreated while in the care of somebody else. It can also be really expensive.

In my situation, full time childcare is about $1,000 a month per child. And unfortunately I am $40 over the income limit to receive any help from the state when trying to get care for my children. I work a full time job, 40 hours a week, and a second job on Saturdays to try to keep up with the needs of trying to live in Seattle, WA. It would basically add up to my whole paycheck of trying to put both my children into childcare which would defeat the purpose of going to work.

At first I tried to find a nanny through Care.com which I found someone who was very great and understanding at first of my schedule. Over time, my kids were begging for me to not have her come over and she was taking over children about 30 miles away every day for a “play date.” It didn’t last very long and we ended up having find care from someone else.

We found an in home daycare licensed through the state that was about 5 minutes from our home and seemed like they were taking good care of our kids. She understood our needs for care, our schedules, and that we couldn’t afford much (about $800/week). It was going great for about 3 months and then when I messaged about bringing our kids in at a different time at the beginning of March, the lady stated that she raised her prices and also gave away my children’s spots in her daycare. It was really upsetting that it happened without notice when my kids had been there the week beforehand and she could’ve easily mentioned it to us.

Then someone referred us to a nanny share situation and she has been really great. We pay her $25/day per child and she sends us picture, video, and text updates on the children throughout the day to let us know how they’re doing. They get fed really good meals, have many different activities to do, and they go on a daily walk outside to the park to interact with other children and get some fresh air.

It took a really long time to find someone that you can honestly trust with your child. It is a learning experience and you want to find someone who is affordable, understanding, and truly cares about your child. The most important thing to me is that the person will take care of your child, no matter what. I just want someone who will treat them like their own. They are my babies and they deserve the best. Keep an open mind, keep trying to find someone if you have to, and always trust your gut when it comes to child care.

Gianni Daniel

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I would like to write about my birth story with Gianni for this post because it gives a look at how young moms are treated when having a baby. Gianni was not my first baby and so I was expecting a very easy and smooth delivery as I had with my daughter. On Friday, July 31st at 1:30 p.m., I began to feel small gushes of water between my legs. I went through a few pads, not knowing if it was going to stop or having any knowledge of what it felt like to have your water break. Once the realization began that my son was going to be born and I needed to go to the hospital, I called my doctor right away.

 

The nurse that I spoke to told me that I should get to their clinic as soon as I could so that they could check if it was actually amniotic fluid that was leaking and that my doctor actually had gone out of town that day. When I got to the doctor’s office at around 3:00 p.m., they took me back right away. While laying on that cold exam table, the doctor came into the room and immediately more amniotic leaked out and he sent me downstairs to check in to the maternity center.

 

Since I didn’t have anyone available to watch Alianna yet, she had to be with us at the hospital for the time being. When we arrived downstairs at the maternity center and checked in, we were assigned a nurse who quickly rushed me into a room and kept asking me if someone was going to pick up my daughter. I let the nurse know that my mom was going to leave work and be on her way as soon as she could since she worked about 45 minutes away. Again, the nurse told me that she could not stay in the room and someone had to get her quickly. I let her know that I understood and informed her that I wanted to receive an epidural.

 

The doctor that was on call came in to talk to me while the nurse finished getting everything set up for me and taking my health history. The doctor stated that since my water broke, I would have to be induced as soon as possible to avoid infection. I informed the doctor that I wanted to wait before getting induced as we were trying to have an August baby. The nurse turned to my fiance and I and asked “Is that because of some zodiac reason?” with an attitude in her voice. We explained the situation to her that we just thought it would be cute since Giancarlo’s birthday is in December, Alianna’s birthday is in December, and my birthday is in August that it would all go together. The nurse did not say anything after that and told me that I would have to start walking to get the dilated process started.

 

Once I finished walking around the maternity center, I made it back to my delivery room and informed the nurse again that I wanted an epidural before it was too late. The nurse stated that we had to go through one bag of IV fluid, an EKG, and a questionnaire with the anesthesiologist before I could get an epidural. I let her know to get the IV started and she got everything that she needed. As she was putting in the epidural, the doctor came into the room again and told me that I should be getting induced as well as we were running out of time. I knew in my head that there was 24 hours allowed before infection was a huge risk, meaning that we had 9 hours to go before it hit midnight. I let the doctor know that I would think about getting induced at 7 p.m.

 

The nurse told me that I had to keep walking around and that I could not sit down, so my fiance started walking with me again. As we were walking around the hospital, we passed by our doctor. Giancarlo and I were laughing and talking together, holding hands, as he helped me push the IV bag down the hallway with Alianna. The doctor looked at us and said “You must not be having much pain since you’re smiling” then laughed and walked away.

 

Once it hit 7 p.m. we went back to the delivery room and decided to be induced since we felt that we were being forced to have our baby and got a feeling that none of the staff there wanted us around any longer. The nurse got the pitocin (a medication used to speed up labor) and got the process started for the induction. She got the medication going and let me know that I had to start walking again. My contractions were starting to get stronger and with the pitocin going, the pain was becoming unbearable. I took a break in the hallway and sat down in the a chair with my family as tears were streaming down my face from the pain. The nurse stuck her head out of my delivery room and yelled “You can’t be sitting down! I have to monitor the baby and I can’t do it with you sitting!”

 

I continued walking around the hospital, stopping every few steps because the pain was getting to be too much. As I walked past the delivery room, the nurse pulled me into the room and asked me if I wanted to try taking a warm bath to try and soothe the pain. I told her that would be great and she told me she had to fill up the tub, drain it, and then fill it up again and she would get it ready for me and I should continue walking. Giancarlo and I walked around a little bit longer then went back into the delivery room to try getting into the bath.

 

When I climbed into the bath, I was only able to sit down for a couple of minutes because I was shaking so bad. I felt as though I couldn’t grab onto something hard enough to make it go away. I climbed out of the bath tub, dried off as quick as I could, and went to lay down in the hospital bed. The nurse gave me a little bit of pain medicine then told me that she was going on her break and would be back later. By this time it is already 9:00 p.m. and the new nurse that was assigned to me came into the room.

 

I started talking to the new nurse that was there, telling her that it hurt really bad and that it wouldn’t go away. I stated over and over again that I really wanted to get an epidural as the pain was unbearable. The nurse came over and said she was going to check my cervix since it wasn’t checked since when I was first admitted. My cervix was at 10+1 centimeters. The nurse started telling me to not push and to keep calm as she was calling the doctor to hurry to the room. I started begging for an epidural, knowing deep down that it was too late to get one.

 

The doctor came into the room and at 9:30 p.m., I started to push. I had my mom and Giancarlo by my side every step of the way. I pushed a few times with every contraction and at 9:54 p.m. on July 31st, Gianni Daniel was born. They immediately put him onto my chest and it was the most amazing feeling, holding my sweet little baby in my arms

 

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I am so proud and happy that my sweet little baby came out so beautiful and healthy. On the other hand, the way Giancarlo and I were treated was not right given any situation. When people realize I am a young mom, they take it upon themselves to think that they are right about everything and that I’m too young to truly know what I want. I had a completely healthy pregnancy and was very open about my doctor who completely understood what I want. But when it finally came down to receiving the care that every person deserves to have, it was not received. I hope young moms can feel comfortable standing up for themselves in medical situations, for their own health and their child’s. Every individual has a right to being treated how they want to be treated, no matter the age or the amount of schooling that people went to. Everyone deserves the compassion to be listened to, so please stick up for yourself.