How Anxiety Affects My Relationship

Gian has been so great in supporting me and being my rock for the past 5 years. He works his best to try to understand me and make sure that I feel loved and secure every single day. It’s just very little things that affects him every day, but he handles them well.

Some examples would be making him check out in a grocery store because thinking about the idea of talking to somebody makes my heart race. It calls for some tight hugs and comforts when it gets to the point of a breakdown and assuring me that it’s okay. He reminds me that he loves me every single day and that one sentence can give me so much comfort. When he has to work at night, he lays with me until I fall asleep because knows that I start to get anxious. If I ask him if he wants to go somewhere, he knows that I’m silently begging him to come with me because I don’t want to go alone.

And sometimes my anxiety gives me dark thoughts. I start to imagine him wanting to leave me because it’s too much to handle. Maybe he’s said “I love you” one too many times that it’s become an annoyance instead of a reassurance and truth.  Maybe I asked him to stay with me too many times when he really had to go.

But the love of my life is still here, after 5 years. He’s still here. And in less than a year he’ll be my husband, and I know he’ll be here for me forever.

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Receptionist vs Anxiety

My anxiety stems from more of a social aspect and yet for some reason I became a receptionist at a pediatric clinic. I decided to go to school to become a Medical Administrative Assistant so that I could start working in billing and coding. Billing and coding doesn’t require a lot of face to face aspect with patients or possibly any at all. But in order to get into a billing/coding position, you have to have experience in the medical field. So I became a medical receptionist.

Some days are definitely harder than others when it comes to dealing with my anxiety at work. Sometimes I’ll have to take a 10 minute walk to try to calm my racing heart beat or other times I’ll just step away and try to drink some water. My anxiety doesn’t usually come from any necessary trigger though. Sometimes it’s just hard to be around people.

It can take a lot of courage sometimes for me to want to talk to people. I get nervous over what I’m going to say and honestly over think every little word or sentence before I say it. One of my giveaways that my anxiety is bothering me is that my leg will start shaking. That’s usually how people around me can tell when I’m feeling anxious.

After a year of working as a medical receptionist though, I feel like it has definitely helped me learn how to cope with my anxiety in situations where I have to confront somebody. You can’t always make everybody happy and I feel like that’s the hardest part of going to work. You know at least one person is going to be upset and I honestly always think they’re upset at me – even though I’m sure it’s not. But like I said, I like to over think unnecessary things. I’ve learned that there are people going through the same thing as well and that they’ll always support me when I need it and that’s definitely something I’ll never take for granted.

 

Anxiety vs. Parenting

About 6 months after I had Gianni, I realized that my social anxiety had gone to an all time high. I experienced my very first anxiety attack while at work. It was the absolute scariest feeling I have ever felt. My throat and chest felt like they were both closing up and as if a huge weight was crushing me. My hands and legs could barely stop shaking. While my eyes created tears that just wouldn’t fall. It was at that point that I decided to see my doctor regarding the situation.

As I sat in that exam room, waiting for my doctor to come into the room, a million thoughts ran through my head since I’m the type of person that likes to overthink things.

“Am I a bad mom because of my anxiety?”

“Will my kids be taken away from me?”

“Are people going to think I’m mentally crazy?”

“Is anyone going to believe me this was real?”

“I can still change my mind… it’s not too late…”

The one thought that overcame all of the others was, “Your kids need you to do this. They will appreciate you taking the time and strength to do this.”

My doctor came into the room and as she asked me why I was in today, tears came into my eyes. I let her know about the panic attack, the actual fear and panic that overcomes me when I get into uncomfortable confrontations, the thoughts that I am being judged at every moment. I admitted that I was scared and didn’t know if I should be doing this.

At that moment my doctor looked into my eyes and said “It’s good that you are doing this. They need this. The only way you can take care of your babies, is if you take care of yourself first.”

That’s when I decided to start taking care of myself. I started to look for other jobs in the same work field to get away from the negativity surrounding me. I started to go for walks when the weather permitted it with the children. I open up about my feelings and thoughts a lot more now instead of hiding away and holding them in. I am still the same person. I am still the same mom. And I still love my kids just the same as I did before starting my medication.

There is a stigma in our society today that everybody is making up their anxiety or that everybody has some sort of mental health issue – and unfortunately it’s making people afraid to get the help that they most likely need. It is truly scary to ask for help… I am not going to lie about that. In the end it will be completely worth it though to finally have the weight off of you. To finally feel like you can breathe. To finally feel like you can be yourself.

It’s not a forever cure though. It will sneak up on you. It will pop out at random moments and haunt you just a little bit. But having the resources to get it under control, to fight it, to realize that it’s just the anxiety… it will make a difference. And it will be the best decision you can make. I always tell people that I am here if they need to talk because I do get it and I’m not just saying it. Sometimes we all just need someone.

And that’s okay.

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